Gallup: 50% of Americans Now Say Bush Deliberately Misled Them on WMDs
And yet the fool was re-elected!
Go figure...
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Some scripts
Just posting some material from last month that didn't get performed in the end. I like them, though.
"Making Thinroads"
RACHEL HUNTER COMES ON STAGE.
HUNTER: Hello there, I'm Rachel Hunter and welcome to “Make me a Supermodel”. This is the show where young, thin, young, female, thin and...thin ladies compete for a lucrative modelling contract. We're going to be at least as strict as we would be in the real modelling world so watch out ladies! Ok, first up is Daisy.
A WIRE COATHANGER WITH A BLOUSE HANGING ON IT COMES ON STAGE. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE COATHANGER IS HANGING FROM ITSELF BUT SOMEONE DOES HAVE TO CARRY/PUSH THIS ON.
HUNTER: OK, Daisy. Now you've been on a photo shoot with the rest of the girls and we've had a look at the results. I've got to say, the camera does seem to add a few pounds on to you. One too many cafe mochas, would that be?[PAUSE] Ah, the enigmatic type. Fine. Well, what I'd suggest if you really want to be a supermodel is watch that weight, get some discipline with what you eat and..for god's sake try to avoid the fate of so many hopefuls; of ending up as just another quick fix replacement car aerial.
LIGHTS OUT.
END.
Song spoof:
TO THE TUNE OF TONY CHRISTIE'S AMARILLO.
(Verse)
Went to get a new phone,
It's got that crazy frog ringtone,
I can play some games and,
Listen to songs by my fav'rite band,
I can email my mum,
I can text rude words,
But there's just one problem,
I think is so absurd,
(Chorus)
Show me the way the make a phone call,
The bloke in Carphone Warehouse knows fuck all,
Just wanna make a bloody phone call,
To sweet Marie who waits for me,
Show me the way the make a phone call,
Customer services made me bawl,
Crying cos I simply can't call,
My sweet Marie or anyone,
(MAYBE SHOUT “3G” WHEN MUSIC DOES THE BAH BAH AT THE END OF THE BELOW “LA LAS”)
Sha la la la la la la X3
How the hell does this thing work?
(Verse)
Look my phone is ringing,
That sweety chick is singing,
When I try to pick up,
I will always get the same hiccup
It can open tin cans,
Show my Horoscope,
But the flaw in this plan,
Makes me lose all hope,
(Chorus)
Show me the way the make a phone call,
The bloke in Carphone Warehouse knows fuck all,
Just wanna make a bloody phone call,
To sweet Marie who waits for me,
Show me the way the make a phone call,
Customer services made me bawl,
Crying cos I simply can't call,
My sweet Marie or anyone,
Sha la la la la la la X3
How the fuck does this thing work?
Sha la la la la la la X3
What's so great about 3G?
(End)
"The BBCheap"
V/O ANNOUNCER: and now on BBC 1, Strictly Dance Fever!
A BIT OF MUSIC AND THEN A MAN IN A BROWN OVERCOAT SHUFFLES ON STAGE, HE IS QUITE OLD. STRONG COCKNEY ACCENT.
MAN: Alright? Dave's the name. I knows you were probably wanting that glittery bloke off Channel 4 but we've had some cutbacks y'see. Thousands of jobs gone and they thought Mr..Mr Norton was a bit pricey. They got the freebees off 'im on Comic Relief, though, eh. Heh heh...Yeah, so this is Strictly Dance Fever. Like the set, eh? Bloody marvellous. Amazing what you can do with a used birthday card and a stuffed womble toy. Cor! Now we were gonna have 12 contestants on the show but we could only afford two. And they're me mates. Come on Smithy, you an'all, Sandra.
SMITHY AND SANDRA COME ON STAGE. THEY'RE PRETTY SKANKY.
MAN: Now these two are gonna compete to see who you like the best. Now we were gonna have a series of this shit but we thought, nah, no point, so we're gonna have 10 minutes dancing and then you lot vote on £2 a second premium rate number to vote for the best. Gotta pay for me taxi home, y'know.
THE STAGE LIGHTS FLICKER THEN GO OUT.
MAN: Oh, bloody 'ell! Anyone got shrapnel for the meter?
END.
"Making Thinroads"
RACHEL HUNTER COMES ON STAGE.
HUNTER: Hello there, I'm Rachel Hunter and welcome to “Make me a Supermodel”. This is the show where young, thin, young, female, thin and...thin ladies compete for a lucrative modelling contract. We're going to be at least as strict as we would be in the real modelling world so watch out ladies! Ok, first up is Daisy.
A WIRE COATHANGER WITH A BLOUSE HANGING ON IT COMES ON STAGE. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE COATHANGER IS HANGING FROM ITSELF BUT SOMEONE DOES HAVE TO CARRY/PUSH THIS ON.
HUNTER: OK, Daisy. Now you've been on a photo shoot with the rest of the girls and we've had a look at the results. I've got to say, the camera does seem to add a few pounds on to you. One too many cafe mochas, would that be?[PAUSE] Ah, the enigmatic type. Fine. Well, what I'd suggest if you really want to be a supermodel is watch that weight, get some discipline with what you eat and..for god's sake try to avoid the fate of so many hopefuls; of ending up as just another quick fix replacement car aerial.
LIGHTS OUT.
END.
Song spoof:
TO THE TUNE OF TONY CHRISTIE'S AMARILLO.
(Verse)
Went to get a new phone,
It's got that crazy frog ringtone,
I can play some games and,
Listen to songs by my fav'rite band,
I can email my mum,
I can text rude words,
But there's just one problem,
I think is so absurd,
(Chorus)
Show me the way the make a phone call,
The bloke in Carphone Warehouse knows fuck all,
Just wanna make a bloody phone call,
To sweet Marie who waits for me,
Show me the way the make a phone call,
Customer services made me bawl,
Crying cos I simply can't call,
My sweet Marie or anyone,
(MAYBE SHOUT “3G” WHEN MUSIC DOES THE BAH BAH AT THE END OF THE BELOW “LA LAS”)
Sha la la la la la la X3
How the hell does this thing work?
(Verse)
Look my phone is ringing,
That sweety chick is singing,
When I try to pick up,
I will always get the same hiccup
It can open tin cans,
Show my Horoscope,
But the flaw in this plan,
Makes me lose all hope,
(Chorus)
Show me the way the make a phone call,
The bloke in Carphone Warehouse knows fuck all,
Just wanna make a bloody phone call,
To sweet Marie who waits for me,
Show me the way the make a phone call,
Customer services made me bawl,
Crying cos I simply can't call,
My sweet Marie or anyone,
Sha la la la la la la X3
How the fuck does this thing work?
Sha la la la la la la X3
What's so great about 3G?
(End)
"The BBCheap"
V/O ANNOUNCER: and now on BBC 1, Strictly Dance Fever!
A BIT OF MUSIC AND THEN A MAN IN A BROWN OVERCOAT SHUFFLES ON STAGE, HE IS QUITE OLD. STRONG COCKNEY ACCENT.
MAN: Alright? Dave's the name. I knows you were probably wanting that glittery bloke off Channel 4 but we've had some cutbacks y'see. Thousands of jobs gone and they thought Mr..Mr Norton was a bit pricey. They got the freebees off 'im on Comic Relief, though, eh. Heh heh...Yeah, so this is Strictly Dance Fever. Like the set, eh? Bloody marvellous. Amazing what you can do with a used birthday card and a stuffed womble toy. Cor! Now we were gonna have 12 contestants on the show but we could only afford two. And they're me mates. Come on Smithy, you an'all, Sandra.
SMITHY AND SANDRA COME ON STAGE. THEY'RE PRETTY SKANKY.
MAN: Now these two are gonna compete to see who you like the best. Now we were gonna have a series of this shit but we thought, nah, no point, so we're gonna have 10 minutes dancing and then you lot vote on £2 a second premium rate number to vote for the best. Gotta pay for me taxi home, y'know.
THE STAGE LIGHTS FLICKER THEN GO OUT.
MAN: Oh, bloody 'ell! Anyone got shrapnel for the meter?
END.
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