It's a rough time

Busy, tired all the time and unemployed is not what you want in the run up to Christmas. It's also not want you want if you want to write. I currently have difficulty typing accurately due to tiredness and a worryingly unfocussed mind. So this is a brief post. If it was any longer I'd miss typing errors, so knackered am I. :(

Sky+

I'm getting Sky+. Should I be fortunate enough to have snagged any non-British eyes to this rather substandard blog, Sky+ can be explained better than I can by visiting http://www.sky.com

I have been getting more and more bored with TV and being able to choose from more channels and being able to record better is also a boon, together with easy DIY upgrading of the hard drive for a few pounds. So, I'm gonna give it a go. Wish me luck!

Hostettler mounting campaign to change the name of Interstate 69

Hostettler mounting campaign to change the name of Interstate 69 Only in America, dude, seriously.

We're a creature of three levels and they ruin our lives,
What we are, what we show and what we want in our lives,
We want to be seen as calm and true and happy souls,
But we're really insecure and lose sight of our goals

We ignore our selves at the cost of happiness,
The image of it's easier even if you're a mess,
In truth, we hate ev'ryone including ourselves,
But we never admit this, whoever delves

We're our own locusts,
Feasting on our own feast,
Burying our own lusts,
Trapping our own beast

The surface is a sham whoever you may be,
What's the point of "liking" a rich celebrity?,
We're all caked in lies and pretence like stage makeup,
We compress the real selves only crises rake up,

We're our own locusts,
Feasting on our own feast,
Burying our own lusts,
Trapping our own beast

We aim for popularity, success and love,
But then we sacrifice them in life's push and shove,
Preachers and mentors try to give them back to us,
But we all know what they're game is, they're after us

We're our own locusts,
Feasting on our own feast,
Burying our own lusts,
Trapping our own beast.

(c) Schoolboy 2004.

You blew it Kerry - Just as I thought you would.

I had written a piece but then it got deleted before I could publish so this will be a little rehashing of it.

"Kerry was the wrong man. About as charismatic as a rheumatoidal filing clerk."


I never supported Kerry, I just didn't support Bush. Kerry fucked up this election like no one else could. The Democrats fucked it up.

This was always an election for Kerry to lose rather than for Bush to win. Bush has his 48 million Christian evangelical idiots to vote for him but Kerry made so many mistakes it's hard to know where to begin.


"Bush was elected not on issues...Simply on gut fear."


Firstly, Kerry was the wrong man. About as charismatic as a rheumatoidal filing clerk.

Then you have all these targets he barely touched upon: The millions in lost jobs, the millions living on food handouts, the millions without healthcare, the deficit etc. He allowed Bush to hype his "war president" message. He allowed Bush to get away with consistent distortions of pretty much every issue.

"They accepted Bush (as did Kerry) declaring that the "American people know I have a plan" without stating what the damn plan IS."

Bush was elected not on issues, not on whether he's any good or not. Simply on gut fear. Fear of change, fear of terrorism and fear of the unknown. They accepted Bush (as did Kerry) declaring that the "American people know I have a plan" without stating what the damn plan is. Kerry failed to tell the voters who he was. He was insincere (pretending to be pro-gun, for instance) and just not a good match for the electorate.

Bush was perfect at speaking in general, simplistic, convicted terms. It didn't matter if he was right or wrong he knew what he thought. That was basically the only attraction to Americans.

He underused Edwards and they just weren't ruthless enough against the most ruthless election machine in history that Rove has constructed.

"He is free to select Supreme Court judges the average Brit would scarcely believe."

Kerry also massively fucked up in concentrating almost entirely on the swing states and leaving those that subsequently switched from Gore to Bush in this election to themselves. Bush, through his media friends and spinners, has bombarded the entire country with propaganda about terrorism and the like so much so that Kerry strongly underestimated how this had affected people's judgments across even formerly Democrat states. In a country so ignorant that 40% of people still think Iraq was behind 9/11, where virtually no one knows where Iraq is, where over a third of of under 25s think Italy, Japan and Germany were allies in WWII this propaganda sinks a lot deeper than it would in Britain.

Time and again, you speak to an average American and they'll spout the now stock oneliners Bush has dripped into their minds "with us or against us", "war on terror", "we are a beacon of freedom" and other complete myths.

So now Bush is free to run the country into the ground to bed the US into a virtually permanent and pointless state of war. He is free to select Supreme Court judges the average Brit would scarcely believe, and he is free to set up the nation for either a Jeb vs Clinton or Rice vs Clinton 2008 race. Or maybe we'll see some other race. But I see death, destruction, waste and further poverty for millions of Americans and the world.

If Bush is assassinated I wouldn't be surprised. After all, pretty much the only people on earth who do not wish him gone from the Whitehouse are the 60 million Americans who voted for him. Other than them basically the 6bn other people on the planet feel differently. Probably more enemies than any assassinated president ever had. Hope it doesn't happen, but then it's not up to me. I think it would be the worst outcome imaginable but, sadly, a far from impossible one. Given the unprecendented depth of hatred in certain parts of the world.

CBS News | Even Republicans Fear Bush | October 31, 2004�14:23:31

CBS News | Even Republicans Fear Bush | October 31, 2004�14:23:31

Every American should read this article. It may then have an effect on the election in my opinion.

FAIR MEDIA ADVISORY: If Only They Had Invented the Internet

FAIR MEDIA ADVISORY: If Only They Had Invented the Internet

This is the sort of weakness many members of the media on both sides of the Atlantic. Both parties play the game, of course. That is, Kerry and Bush. Now journalists expect to be spinned to but why do they seem so naive as to barely question if they are being outright lied to?

Answers on a postcard please...

What's going on?

I intend to embark on a bit of question asking and look back over recent history to figure out why the hell has world politics (with the notable exception of some European countries) swung so far to the right?

It would be a relatively simple matter to analyse if this was purely a US phenomenon in isolation but this is not the case. If you look at where Eastern Europe is going, where France is leaning and Italy plus Australia, New Zealand, Southern America and, one might even say, China you see a definite patter of right-wing governments claiming and keeping power.

I've got say here and now that I do not consider myself left-wing - as a non-party member of any group and a non-politician I have real problems with labels like this - I certainly can put my hand on my refried heart and say I am not right-wing. To me, the right-wing world view is profoundly illogical. It struggles consistently to balance the mutually exclusive notions of liberty and conformity. They wish for near perfect social conformity but also wish for individual freedom (small government) which is an impossible mix. And those "libertarian" right-wingers have an even more illogical world view which relies largely on some phantom innate trustworthiness on behalf of profit-making companies. The simple fact is that neither of these approaches is workable in the long-term or makes much sense.

I, on the other hand, don't subscribe to a philosophy as such. I merely start from an atheist standing start and work from there. The next step is to say individuals and any institutions should treat others in the same manner they would wish to be treated themselves. Any transgression of this should be disapproved of at best and outright prevented and criminalised at worst. This social framework is what, I believe, government is designed to form and maintain on behalf of the electorate. Is this such an unworkable platform to form a world view? I don't think so.

As government is an instrument of the people's will, this fact will inevitably affect a government's policies but, frankly, I would have thought that if there was a consensus on the above stated purpose of government in society then the policies favoured would only serve to further that aim. Let's apply what I am thinking to specific instances. In terms of sexuality, in my opinion government and everyone else should continue to treat every straight, gay, bi person as they would wish to be treated themselves. Being gay does not forfeit your right to this. So, government's role in this area is to ensure that every citizen respects this right. As transgressions of this right can affect employment and profoundly affect someone's quality of life there must be legislation that ensures that no one will be treated badly simply on the basis of their sexuality. This would be the same for all forms of discrimination on the grounds of an unchosen aspect of an individual's identity.

The right-wing mentality has it that we should dictate as little as possible to companies what they can and can't do yet individuals should be brow-beaten into living a 2.4 children nuclear family lifestyle as closely as possible. Individuals should be prevented from having sex at 16 if they're gay but not if they're straight. Huh? This is not the actions or policy of a government treating people like they would wish to be treated.

So onto this phenomenon which has crept up on us across the world. Now, of course, a large part of the blame has to be laid at the Socialists' doors. They have failed in many countries to run the nation properly. And this fact cannot be ducked. As I am not a socialist I think socialism, too, is lacking in logic in swathes of their thinking. Nationalising everything is not the panacea they claim, for one.

But in large part, the Right has risen of its own accord. It has, almost simultaneously, found a way of shaping the public's minds to their world view by, in many cases, hijacking truth and beating into such a pulp you only see small traces of it beneath the damage inflicted on it by spin and lies. For evidence of this, witness the credit for election wins by right-wing or right-leaning politicians being heaped upon their spin-masters. Karl Rove, Alastair Campbell, Lynton Crosby (Oz prime minister John Howard's Karl Rove) and the like are the real forces behind the rise of the right and the shaping of people's increasing tendency to spray right-wing deodorant over the stench of societies' problems.

As these people, by definition, have tentacles deep within the media machinery they can plant stories, influence vocabulary and the agenda of the press in such a way that the people simply don't realise their opinions are being changed. A fantastic example of this is the staggering number of US citizens (over a third) that still think Saddam Hussein was directly responsible for 9/11. That fact really says it all, as far as I'm concerned.

Another example of this is the increasing use of the phrase "tax relief" - a phrase the right always uses - which even anti-tax cut people find themselves being suckered into using. Now you don't need to tell me that that phrase has very significant connotations. You also have this interesting notion that rights are held to ransom with the prices being "responsibility". This is the phenomenon where politicians say "we aren't going to let you fully realise a basic right until you start taking some responsibility". If it is a right then "taking responsibility" in a related area should not be a pre-requisite for receiving this right. It is a right, not something earned from lawmakers if we're "good" people. What they are referring to is a privilege not a right.

Then again, the whole "war on terror" thing is completely and entirely a concoction of spin. It is an utter fantasy. When they could have approached 9/11 with an air that these are sad and desperate religious fanatics who are not a formal organisation nor a threat that can ever even dint western society, they decided to actually legitimise these idiots by giving them the "war" they so wanted. They are an fully fledged "enemy", rather than simply some nasty mosquitos to be swatted by the twin tools of the FBI and CIA. This is utter madness and far exceeds the real life situation. Thousands of per cent the number of those who have and will die from terrorism this decade die every year from violent crime and drunk driving in America alone. Are tens of billions spent on combating this? No.

And this is why so many people think there has to be another reason for this "war on terror". When you look, you see the neo-cons with their Straussian myth-making history (witness the non-existent threat from the Soviets hyped by them in the 70s to being an "evil empire") and you see the vested interests blanketing the pentagon and White House. Look at Dick Cheney's wife -a board member of Lockheed Martin from 1997 until 2001. Look at George Bush's dad, an employee of the Carlyle Group - a company heavily involved in the arms industry - until only about 6 months ago. This has never happened before, where so many conflicts of interest have been allowed without an outcry and barely any reporting. I haven't even mentioned Cheney's Halliburton connections - Halliburton apparently traded with Iraq during the sanctions period - http://www.truthout.org/docs_01/02.23D.Cheney.Circumvented.htm .

So what's going on? Of course, it's not like these countries have never been right-wing before. They have had conservative/Conservative governments and so on. But these have previously been of a notably different flavour. They have been somewhat less coated in a snooker-ball hard veneer of ideology that countenances no moderation. Even Thatcher had Hesletine, Clarke and Hurd in her cabinet. In Labour in the UK, the noted left-wingers have slowly left of their own accord as the government has gone on. Short, Meacher, Field, Robin Cook all left for numerous reasons. This cabinet is now full of Blairites with a sprinkling of Brownites.

Of course, I'm no expert in world politics but I know when I see a trend. In Italy, you have a very different political system and culture - and, of course, history - which has seen dictatorship and wild swings from virtual communism through to virtual fascism within a few years. Now we have a person who practically owns the nation's media and is the richest Italian in the country now also prime minister of the country. Despite this, due to the old footbrake of proportional representation, he has to share power with a ragbag of right-wing parties, each with some frightening and some moderate views. But Berlusconi's initial offering of a gay-hating, woman suppressing man as EU Justice Commissioner - where he must oversee human rights implementation - kinda shows where he's coming from. Yet he has been the most long-serving premier the country has seen since Mussolini. Italy went through a long neutered period of constantly changing prime ministers and deadlocked government which allowed the Mafia to thrive. Then years of ridding the country of such corruption (at least as far as Italy's concerned, it certainly wouldn't meet British standards of a corruption free system) has finally resulted in relatively stable government, though a far from blistering economy. Still, as the selling of the defence part of an Italian government-owned engineering company to Carlyle shows, there are real ties to the US administration which suggests why Berlusconi went into Iraq with them.

I'm afraid that I can't really go much further than to say that it does appear to be a mixture of interconnected interests, tactics and aims that have brought nations round to a right-wing angle but I must say I have not forgotten that Bush lost the popular vote and that there are still many millions of people in each country who have not been seduced. I can only hope that more people see through the right-wing folly and begin to throw them out. A good place to start, of course, would be Bush.

BBC NEWS | World | South Asia | Afghan vote boycott creates turmoil

BBC NEWS World South Asia Afghan vote boycott creates turmoil

So we see how hard it really is to force democracy on a never democratic country. A democracy invades a tyranny and we get this complete and utter mess. Deaths daily, a country so unstable the unelected president can only venture outside the capital once to campaign and then the election process itself brings about a massive candidate boycott. Let's hear Bush brag about this.

BBC NEWS | World | Middle East | Iraq war illegal, says Annan

BBC NEWS | World | Middle East | Iraq war illegal, says Annan

About bloody time he said this. I think if any does know then he should! I've been saying this since the invasion began.

Things better for me, God knows about the rest.

Well, at last I get broadband and I also get a laptop and digital camera. And a job. And a car. And prospects and I start writing scripts again. It's all going on.

That said. Into the world, which this blog is more about than anything else, and things are getting worse. The media constantly banging on about rapist lottery winners and dodgy vaccinations and the like. Then look at the state of Iraq and Blair suggesting they treat the unelected Prime Minister of Iraq (who was put into power after an illegal invasion) as guest of honour at the Labour party conference!

Utterly astonishing. The good news in the US is that there appears to be a growing groundswell of people trying their damndest to stop Bush getting elected. Michael Moore, of course, pulling out all the stops. Releasing the DVD of Farenheit 9/11 and a book of supportive letters from US servicemen just before the election cannot fail but have an effect. Plus, the other campaign groups involved quite diverse public figures provides some hope.

Make no mistake, this Bush administration (especially a certain Karl Rove ) is a dark and ruthless one. Hence the very suspicious anti-Kerry ads causing Kerry to file a complaint. Problem is, once they're out, they're out.

More consistent enrichment of the oil companies in the $49 barrel. They are making obscene profits on this. The value of which sometimes equates to several countries' entire government budgets.

Here is more dodginess: http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article6776.htm

Never mind the collosal amounts of book cooking going on in the Pentagon anyway: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/05/18/MN251738.DTL

Sheesh.

It's late...Bed for me.

Guardian Unlimited Politics | Special Reports | PM admits graves claim 'untrue'

Guardian Unlimited Politics | Special Reports | PM admits graves claim 'untrue'

So Blair has not only sexed up the WMD claims "in good faith" but also the known and provable atrocities. Can we get just one straight fact about Iraq from this man?

The spinning of truth, the hyping of third-hand estimates and "evidence" continues so that Blair can cling on to some figleaf of "justification" for this illegal and still deadly invasion.

Also, you may have missed it that the provisional Iraqi PM has allegedly shot 6 prisoners with his own gun "to prove a point". Nice.

Go to http://www.informationclearinghouse.info to find a link to the story and further background on Allawi.

The Happy Coat

A mad, nonsense (in the Lewis Carroll sense) rhyming story I wrote
when bored at work a few months back. For any US readers who may not
have come across the phrase "Am Dram", it means Amateur Dramatics -
i.e. amateur theater.

--------------------

The Happy Coat

Pam the Am Dram fan who did plays about spam walked past a shop for
fops with chopped poptarts in the window. She sighed as she spied her
dyed hair (a colour shared with Cher and the hair bear bunch)
reflected in the window. She hated that her mate had over rated the
stuff when she stated she'd bought a crate if it.

She was feeling down, looking down at her brown shoes, which cost a
pound and made her feet bark like hounds. Then she saw a store with
more than she bargained for. A big coat with a note, on which was
wrote "Stoat lovers should gloat wearing this dead cheap coat". I love
stoats and weasels squealed Pam who's mind reeled at the deal.

She went in and binned the thin tin shinguard she was wearing and
spinned her yarn about farms, barns and stoats. She got the coat and
she did gloat like a boat with a new coat of paint. She was happy.

Time went by in units I can't rhyme and by the time she was in her
prime her mime act had got her sacked and the odds were stacked
against her. The fact was the coat she backed was lacking the knack to
help her crack a smile. So she sold the old coat, folded in a jelly
mould, to a bold soldier with a cold. He was Stan, a man with a Gran
who ran an african bran shop in Oman. His cold began when another man
sneezed on his flan and ran away. He was miffed that he'd felt iffy
and had sniffed and coughed for days. But the coat made him happy.

He loved his coat so much it shoved Doves off the number one spot
(second was crop tops on top popstars). His coat made him feel blest
and he tested how rested he would feel if he nested in bed in it. It
made him smile, feeling nine miles high but then he got piles.

Out of work and realising he'd been a berk he had to shirk the coat.
Thrown away, the coat swayed an amazed radio ham (who wrote plays
about spam) who was passing and was a massive bluegrass fan. As it was
Christmas he passed it off as a crass present for Cass, his last
girlfriend. She was depressed cause she'd messed up a dress in a
trouser press with excess pressure. She took the coat cause it looked
like one in a book. A crooked duke in this book had worn it to spook
his cook, who's cooking was puke, but died in a fluke hook accident.
Cass was happy.

Later, she dated and estate agent and his mate in a spate of dates she
hated. She wasn't well, she felt like hell and felt like she'd been
pelted by melted egg shells. She put the coat on Ebay, saying it was a
ray of light, in spite of the way she hated it. And there it stays to
this day waiting until they want it. Constantly reposted on Ebay for
days and days and days.

If you're sad or feeling bad because of some cad or lad you had the
hots for, this coat might make you happy. But not for long.

Farenheit 9/11

OK, so I finally got to see Michael Moore's latest opus and it was, as a
film, not quite as good as Bowling for Columbine but the content and the
power was definitely there.

I have researched Bush quite a bit and can confidently vouch for every fact
presented in F9/11. Few facts presented were not already known to me but it
is important that a film, or some other mainstream media channel, clearly
bound them all together to show people why Bush has got to go and the
methods he'll use to stop himself from being kicked out.

I'm not one to post my flag on a commentators like Michael Moore. I only
link to his site because it is accessible and full of facts and stories
worth knowing. Moore the man does not interest me in the least. His approach
is a little too overtly manipulative but his points are very valid. I'm and
atheist and find it gratifying that a committed Catholic can come to very
similar world view conclusions to mine using a wholly different route.

If you want some sober, even more well researched and even more cogent
arguments try Gore Vidal, Noam Chomsky and their ilk.

If you want to see what many Republicans think of Bush, try reading some
Republican internet magazines, you'll find senior Republicans are very
worried about what Bush is doing.

Look at the many former US and UK diplomats vocally and jointly protesting,
the former CIA, military and FBI men screaming until they're hoarse about
the shocking, appalling things the administration has done, both policywise
and in how they run the government.

What was important in F9/11 was in how he demonstrated that the Patriot Act
and the massive military budget increases and the illegal wars Bush has
started are not and never were to do with safeguarding the American in the
street. National Security does not need the Patriot Act.
The cutbacks on policing and border patrol, the cutbacks on veteran and
serving military personnel benefits and pay that Bush wanted - and sometimes
pushed through - shows you this. The fact that the Bush administration
reportedly wants to collapse Iran's government shows how expansive their
ambitions are. They don't want to set up a friendly government for the "sake
of the Iranians", they want to secure the oil and make sure the Middles East
as far as possible, toes the US line under threat of their now substantial
military presence.

We cannot allow Bush to continue this way. His Neo-con slimeballs are going
to wreck not only America but huge swathes of the world (and that's not
counting the suicidal environmental policies) if they are allowed to
continue for another 5 years. I urge you to see F9/11 if only to see a good
film. But it must have some affect on you. My girlfriend felt physically
sick with fear and anger after seeing it.

Rant over. :)

Incidentally, the still is from the CG company who made the Sprite. Glassworks: www.glassworks.co.uk 

This is a still from one of my favourite adverts on TV at the moment. It's for Sprite but the whole concept and the execution of the CG sprite is beautiful to behold. He's one of the cutest "grotesques" I've ever seen. 

Rain, Rain go way!

This summer has been utter crap for the weather. I live in the North
East of England and it has rained more than at any time of year I have
ever known.

It makes you think about whether this is significant in regards to
climate or just a rubbish summer. Saved a fortune in car wash bills, I
can tell you!

On another note, I started listening more to Radio 4 for some reason.
I've always known it was a good service but it really is like a TV
channel on the radio. I have a feeling I'm going to be listening more
to it. Never thought I'd say that before I'm 30.

This is done by email so I think this is the best way to post entries
on this blog whilst I'm on dialup. So I should be posting a bit more
regularly very soon.

Propaganda - let's use when it is accurate in ALL circumstances

Michael Moore.com : Mike's Message : Mike's Latest News

Damn good article. Why don't the media label government messages propaganda? Why only critical polemic? I'm not arguing for Michael Moore, I'm just arguing the case of the article. Which, to me, makes complete sense. The media always fall into this lazy trap and it bugs the hell out of me.

Death Blamed on Mushroom

I'm a massive fan of Brass Eye - I've mentioned it at least once on this blog - and I always delight in seeing instances in the media that are pure Brass Eye. The headline above is an example. This is a real headline in the local paper from a few days ago.

I confess, it's mainly local news - TV and Papers - that fall into the B.E. trap but it's always hilarious.

I've just watched the Channel 4 show about the lives and history of camp entertainers and it really brings home to you how fortunes have constantly ebbed and flowed for gay performers and, indeed, gay people. As is usually the case, lesbians were utterly ignored. The fact that they have had to fight much harder to secure any kind of sensible response from the press and public was totally unaddressed. There is still only one lesbian performer high in the public mind, you know who I mean. A rather desultory number when you look at Paul O'Grady, Graham Norton, Dale Winton, Julian Clary, Boy George, Brian Dowling, Matt Lucas, (allegedly) Sean Hughes, etc. who can be reeled off almost subconsciously.

I just discovered Peter Ackroyd (he who authored London, a Biography) is gay. Just one of those things I didn't quite expect. Not that it matters.

But I do really admire Paul o'Grady. Partly because he embodies what TV people should be - themselves - but partly the very clever and disciplined way in which he carved his career. Writing reams of material and catering it at exactly the right level for the audience in hand. This Morning he brought the house down but never got the ITC rapping on their door. On the Big Breakfast he was great but never slipped up and got the tone right their, too, whilst still staying true to the Lilly character.

Now he is just Paul but this generally equates to Lilly sans fishnets. His travelogues are completely honest, not glossy or rye, just "what Paul did when he visited Bangkok/New York/Japan". They are riotously funny but you still don't hate him when he gets into a rant. You just admire that he doesn't give a shit about the cameras and is not ashamed to admit he can be as grumpy as any human mind can conceive at times. But who isn't, at times?

I'm not writing at all at the moment. It's horrible but I'm so full of "get a job, get a job" and "sort this out and that out and get that money" that nothing funny or particularly original can poke through. Some of my unfinished pieces have real potential but I just don't have it at the moment due to all these other pressures. Three interviews next week, so hopefully by the week after you have a new Schoolboy typing at you. Fully employed once more....

Shitty Dial-up!

Haven't blogged properly for a bit. Why? I've been forced onto dial-up. So far I don't know how long but the more I've had broadband, the more the dial-up experience is unbearable.

I'm spoiled, I know. But you just can't be arsed surfing with this sort of speed. It's all you can do to sit and wait for emails to turn up. They take over a minute in themselves!

Anyway, should my circumstances improve, I'll blog more regularly. I can't even face forums as the page load times piss me off so much.

Fingers tightly crossed that my new abode will avail me of broadband. But until then I'm suffering a much curtailed Web experience. Thank God the Internet is not my life or I'd be a gibbering wreck by now.

Of course, meanwhile, loads has happened out there in the world. Iraq is still a bit of a sow's ear and Saudi is finally finding it impossible to fend off terrorists with bribes. High oil, and many other juicy subjects. But my forum and detailed responses will just have to wait until I a) have the time to ponce about on Dial-up or b) get broadband.

BBC NEWS | Business | Petrol prices reach 80p a litre

BBC NEWS | Business | Petrol prices reach 80p a litre

I'm about to buy a car but don't let that worry you. This sort of price will be peanuts in comparison to the price we'll be facing in 20 years time.

You wait. I don't intend to own a car past 2010.

This is really just the start. If I had something to gain from saying this I'd hope you'd ignore this but I don't.

I got a call a few weeks ago from an American cold-caller pretending to have heard that I own shares. He asked when the last time was I had bought stock. I said never (after a second of complete confusion and wondering how to answer). He said, "Your kidding! Really?", (like I'd said I'd never circumcized my child). I said, "yes". And he quickly finished the call. This to me shows what America has become.

Even if I had the spare cash to invest in stocks, the last 24 months persuaded me never to blindly invest cash into stocks as long as I can make out colours. The fact that this "caller" thought it was barely credible that I didn't throw money at the stock market shows where America has gone and how we must think very carefully about how the country's values have been molded. Stocks are a con that the rich and the rich alone benefit from. The poor (i.e. the bottom 50%) have only lost in the last 15 years and the crashes only go to prove this.

Call me a socialist if you want. I merely think that financial advice should be regulated on both directions, not just on investment. Only investment seems to get any kind of regulation (however, half hearted) whilst borrowing (i.e. debt) gets barely a thought. Why? Because it is with debt that corporations really get their profits. It is debt that fuels the economy. That's why there is so much pressure for the ordinary American to risk his earnings and his pension on the roulette of stocks. When he loses his money he has to borrow more to get by (profits result for companies). If he doesn't lose, the money is still "owned" by the corporations for their use.

See, it all makes sense now.

War war warwarwarwarwarwarwar...

So we see two wars started by a megapower continuing. We see politicians pretending things are going in a bearable fashion whilst they try to scrub the public memory of what has gone before.

Let us not forget that America failed in Korea and failed in Vietnam. America now decides to start two more illegal wars and are making a complete hash of it yet again.

Afghanistan is something that the media has generally lost interest in but it is just as hellish as ever. Sure, the Taliban are banished from Kabul (except their former foreign minister who is part of the new unelected government) but they are in control of swathes of country and the rest is largely the domain of warlords. Women are still subject to the usual discrimination over the majority of the country and Afghanistan is once more the number one grower of Westerner-killing heroin. Woo Hoo!

Now we have Rumsfeld (resign, resign) coming to Congress and saying so much rubbish you would think he had taken some form of lie serum. The abuse of Iraqi and Afghan prisoners is clearly not isolated and clearly not something they care too much about. They didn't seem to care until it was about to hit the media.

The one single positive that can be pulled from the current circumstances is that it could bring to an end Bush's frightening, failing and terrible presidency.

Believe me, my fingers are crossed.

I just saw Kevin Eldon walk past me in Holborn today. I was dead chuffed. Haven't seen someone I actually like that's famous in the street for ages. The last vaguely public figure was Lord Robertson, used to run NATO, walking about. I thought it odd that he had no bodyguard but what do I know.

Still, I got a real buzz seeing Kevin wander around. In case you don't have much interest in left-field comedy performers (which will probably be most of you) Kevin Eldon is a regular on shows written by the Baby Cow/Chris Morris clique of actors. He's on normally anything Steve Coogan, Graham Linehan, Armando Iannucci, Peter Baynham, Rob Brydon, Chris Morris, Julia Davis and (when together in the early to late 90s) Lee and Herring did/do. Which, let's face it, is the most exciting set of 90s comedians in the country.

Kevin initially delighted me with the demented Simon, the hobby guy who always accompanied his adventures with a shot of "weak lemon drink". If you asked someone in the street about Kevin Eldon you'd most likely get a blank look but show him a photo and you'd probably get a flash of recognition, even if they wouldn't be able to say what show he was in (he's in so many).

I seriously admire someone who can do such varied characters as the pointlessly jolly, racist kitchen salesman in I'm Alan Partridge, the deliciously creepy Cleaner in Black Books ("Dirty" has never been spoken so well), cuckholded Terry in Nighty Night, and, of course, the innumerable sketch parts in Jam, Brasseye and Big Train. Once my private life settles down I serious hope to write something (more an ambition than anything likely - I'm not demented) that Kevin can be in.

Then I'd know I'm writing something really decent.

BBC NEWS | World | Middle East | US air strike hits Falluja mosque

Bombing mosques now. Oh boy. The yanks really can't get anything right in the middle east, can they. I have warned for months that this sort of thing was likely and now they bomb a mosque. This will never end if one side doesn't give. The question now remains, Who will cave in and when?

Will we ever see free and fair elections in Iraq? Who can say, but it has never looked very likely.

About Gmail Unexpected and very interesting. I think I'm starting to feel a "bye bye" to my hotmail coming on. I think, however, that it seems rather ambitious to hope that just text ads will pay for this. We'll see on that score...

http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/video1/cbs60minskullandbones.rm

Kind of an important CBS 60 minutes episode about Skull and Bones. Considering both Bush and Kerry (and the SEC chairman) are members.

Guardian Unlimited | Special reports | 'He is not guilty and he is not innocent'

This story is massively telling. Who is behind this sort of pointless persecution? How high up does this go?

I guess we'll never know.

BBC NEWS | World | Americas | Pentagon drops chaplain charges

Hmm. What the hell went on here?

Utterly bizaare. Shows how wrong the US military can get it. Raises questions, does it not, about the veracity of their suspicions about the 600 Gitmo detainees?

It seems highly likely that had that chaplain been Catholic or something, he would not have been watched so closely and lept upon by MPs at the slightest thing. It really seems like just a basic distrust of Muslims. Maybe I'm reading too much into that but it's hard to understand how else this whole storm in a teacup could come about.

BBC NEWS | Business | Coke recalls controversial water

You couldn't write this, you really couldn't.

Way to go, Coke.

This is a little poem I wrote about clowns. My girlfriend is shitscared of them so I thought I'd play that up. If you read this really really slowly out loud it is especially creepy. But funny at the end.

White face, big smile, red hair, black heart,
Don’t look, don’t run, don’t stare, eyes dart,

Big flowers, big boots, big hat, no soul,
Crouch down, tremble, felt that, feel cold,

Random, bright clothes, magic, unknown,
Can’t move, lungs tight, feel sick, miss home,

Small car, honk horn, red nose, kill kids,
Shout out, no sound, he knows, you’re his.

Routines, play fights, white foam, Death’s friend
See chance, kick nuts, run home, the end?

Guardian Unlimited | US elections 2004 | Who is Karl Rove? A great piece. This is a very enlightening quote:

"The aggressive tactics won the 22-year-old Rove a walk-on role in the Watergate saga that was consuming the nation. A report was published in the Washington Post on August 10, 1973, titled "[Republican party] Probes Official as Teacher of Tricks", gave an account, based on tape recordings, of how Rove and a colleague had been touring the country giving young Republicans political combat training, in which they recalled their feats of derring-do, such as Rove's Chicago heist at the Dixon headquarters.

At the time, Rove claimed the tape had been doctored to exclude a warning to the audience not to try to emulate any of his past misdeeds. Others present simply remember a caution not to get caught. The publicity forced the intervention of the Republican National Committee and its chairman, a former Texas congressman clinging on to his political career: George Herbert Walker Bush. After considering the case, Bush Sr took action. He drove Edgeworth out of the party on suspicion of having leaked the tapes, and hired Rove, bringing him to Washington."

Time and again you find stories of this flavour, where someone has done something manifestly wrong or against common sense or against the public interest and they are either befriended, rewarded or forgiven by the Bushes. And these people are setting up a presidential dynasty. Just watch Jeb Bush move in after Bush, should he get a second term. Just watch. And cry.

And here was me thinking Kerry may be better than Bush. I was always iffy about him being a member of Skull and Bones. Pilger: Bush Or Kerry? Look Closely And The Danger Is The Same

But now it seems, aside from fairer taxes and maybe fewer corporate paycheques tying his hands behind his back, Kerry is only going to continue Bush's imperialism.

It really makes you wonder about US politics. Is there any real difference between the leading politicians of either party? It seems to depend how closely you look at them.

I feel Kerry won't be as corrupt, which is a start, but I have a feeling still more blood will be spilt in Kerry's name or Bush's.

We can only wait and see.

BBC NEWS | Business | Weak jobs data spooks US markets
Oh, Bushie boy! You really are looking like a no hoper for the election. This is looking more and more like the Democrats' election to lose.

Here's my retrospective breakdown of Bush's 9/11 speech:

September 11, 2001 8:30 P.M. EDT

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly terrorist acts.
I thought it was the government and some big buildings that came under attack. Can someone explain how your "way of life" and "freedom" came under attack? Rhetoric of the most transparent kind.
The victims were in airplanes, or in their offices; secretaries, businessmen and women, military and federal workers; moms and dads, friends and neighbors. Thousands of lives were suddenly ended by evil, despicable acts of terror.
True.

The pictures of airplanes flying into buildings, fires burning, huge structures collapsing, have filled us with disbelief, terrible sadness, and a quiet, unyielding anger.
Again, true.
These acts of mass murder were intended to frighten our nation into chaos and retreat.
Huh? Retreat? From where? Or What? Are we supposed to guess? Or was there some sort of "war" going on before 9/11 that he didn't mention? Sorry, I'm really confused.
But they have failed; our country is strong.
Well yeah. Was, is and always will be unless some schmuck messes it up.

A great people has been moved to defend a great nation. Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shattered steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve.
In other words, terrorists can't really threaten America very much. They can chip away but no great harm will come to the nation as a whole. So why the massive constitutional changes and other enormous measures to counteract this minor threat - as he admitted on 9/11? Why does he now hark back every objectionable policy to 9/11 when he said that al Qaeda can't dent America?

America was targeted for attack because we're the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world.
Yeah, no other reason in the world. It's just because America's ace, isn't it. Jeez.
And no one will keep that light from shining.
So in other words terrorists can't really threaten America very much...

Today, our nation saw evil, the very worst of human nature.
And the very worst in scramble jet response times!
And we responded with the best of America -- with the daring of our rescue workers, with the caring for strangers and neighbors who came to give blood and help in any way they could.
But not the best by way of reacting to the hijackings immediately and instead not getting a single jet up to any of the FOUR jets in time. Still, you weren't to know that quite so soon after the event.

Immediately following the first attack, I implemented our government's emergency response plans.
What's that? Immediately? OK. So you immediately got the emergency response plans in action and then sat in front of some school kids for 20 minutes even after the second plane hit? My god, you're the man. Whoa!
Our military is powerful, and it's prepared.
Should have been prepared before, though, shouldn't it.
Our emergency teams are working in New York City and Washington, D.C. to help with local rescue efforts.

Our first priority is to get help to those who have been injured, and to take every precaution to protect our citizens at home and around the world from further attacks.
And hide Dick Cheney until god knows when.

The functions of our government continue without interruption. Federal agencies in Washington which had to be evacuated today are reopening for essential personnel tonight, and will be open for business tomorrow. Our financial institutions remain strong, and the American economy will be open for business, as well.

The search is underway for those who are behind these evil acts. I've directed the full resources of our intelligence and law enforcement communities to find those responsible and to bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them.
Yeah, well that's a lie because otherwise Saudi Arabia would have been invaded first. And making no distinction of that nature is surely disregarding the non-negotiable Geneva Convention. Still, that little convention never seemed to concern him...

I appreciate so very much the members of Congress who have joined me in strongly condemning these attacks. And on behalf of the American people, I thank the many world leaders who have called to offer their condolences and assistance.

America and our friends and allies join with all those who want peace and security in the world, and we stand together to win the war against terrorism.
Oh here we go. The first mention of a "war" against terror. Within hours he's devised this little idea that terrorism is not criminal (because it's non-governmental) but an act of war. The first little clue as to how misguided his whole future policies will be. Tonight, I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened. And I pray they will be comforted by a power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me."
Comforted? How? Oh, they have to be Christians. I get it.

This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace.
Guantanamo Bay, amongst many other terrible acts, kinda lets you down on the justice front, though, doesn't it.
America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time.
But America has also lost a certain war that has striking similarities to the two you have now waged
None of us will ever forget this day. Yet, we go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world.
Defend freedom? It's that old crappy rhetoric again, isn't it.

Thank you. Good night, and God bless America.
Why America in particular? Can God not just, y'know, bless all mankind equally? I think I saw that somewhere in the constitution...Anyway...

There you go. Sometimes you just have to get certain things out of your system.

Bush really can't help himself, can he: Scotsman.com News - Latest News - Bush Accused of 'Slap in Face' to 9/11 Victims

The man keeps suggesting he can somehow win a "war" on terror. He also insists on identifying the US as officially "at war". He really thinks it's like WW2 or something. It isn't. All international terror cannot be beaten yet he still chides Kerry for "not coming up with strategies to win the war (on terror)". He must call it a war, though, so he can push through Patriot Acts and similar dangerous anti-constitutional policies.

This is really 1984 type stuff. Evoke an unwinnable, eternal war and rubbish the opposition for not suggesting how to win it!

He always seems to forget to mention that both the Iraq and afghan invasions were started by the US.

He really invents recent history as he goes along.

"I'm George Bush and I approve of this message."

Oh really? Oh, OK, I'm sure the US will vote for you in their droves, then.

Jesus.

BBC NEWS | Americas | Bush launches ad campaign

BBC - BBC Four - Audio Interviews Just a hint at how cool it will be when the BBC opens up it's archives on the web fully. Some great stuff here.

BBC NEWS | Politics | VAT mistakes 'costing billions' Meanwhile, we lost billions due to fraud and errors in VAT (up 12%, double the average council tax rise). That's Britain for you...

Quite why no one bothered to suggest that this tax - SocietyGuardian.co.uk | Society | Q&A: the future of the council tax - was just as rubbish as the rates system and only marginally better than the Poll Tax at the time it was introduced is beyond me. It's quite clear that any tax that costs so much should be related to income and not house value. Come on, how many piss poor people do you know who have a a property of some pretty good worth? I know quite a few, mainly retired, people.

Incidentally, Council Tax only makes up 5% of the taxes we pay individually. Surprising, isn't it. And we're one of the lightest taxed countries in Europe!

I certainly hope we can get this sorted as soon as possible and do the decent thing and get an income-related tax system worked out. The point of taxes is that those with can help those without and provide some ground level services that must be guaranteed to everyone (like rubbish collection), not just to syphen off as much as possible from everyone, whether they can afford it or not.

President and Mrs. Bush's Dog Spot Passes On

US service men and women are dying almost daily and yet the White House website is somewhat bereft of tributes to them anything approaching the detail of his DOG!!

Oh yeah, check it out. Video (in two formats!!), cute piccies and a biog(!!!!) for Spot.

The hypocrisy is almost clinical. I just stared at it in utter disbelief. Surely this is galling even to pro-war Americans? That this man can care so much more for his 15 year old dog than the 500 young men and women that have been blown to pieces in an illegal war? Make no mistake, Bush pushed through this war, he sold it to America (like Blair failed to sell to the UK but went through with it anyway). He has declared himself a "war president". Such a war president that he'd rather spend taxpayers money building a multimedia tribute page to his pet than do anything of the kind for his soldiers.

In fact, searching the White House website I can find only one occasion where Bush has so much as visited even injured soldiers since the start of the war 12 months ago. Now don't say "ah, but it's not his responsibility". If it's not the Commander In Chief's responsibility to pay tribute to his soldiers, then who's is it?? In fact, responsibility has nothing to to with it. All Americans should pay tribute to them. But, because services are kept out of sight as much as possible, the American public are only peripherally aware of them because they don't witness them.

In the same way that many things are out there "hidden in plain view" that should anger people to the hilt (like WTC7 was demolished on the instructions of the WTC owner - the owner himself has said it on camera - yet FEMA reported that it just collapsed due to fire) there are actions and demonstrations of Bush's shameless hypocrisy, like this, that are so up front that people - and the media in particular - just, kind of, blank them. Something so in-your-face heartless is just too much to deal with and you try to push it away to pretend Bush isn't so callous. But he is and America must see this and get rid of him.

This is the kind of thing that shows how utterly foolish the overwealthy consumer is. This will sell fine because people think, for some reason, that water in a bottle is somehow better than from a tap. BBC NEWS | UK | Soft drink is purified tap water

I'm prepared to believe that if you're on the hoof and want a drink and choose water in a bottle (for easy carriage) from a shop, then that makes sense. But that can really only account for a certain percentage of total sales. Most are in restaurants and supermarkets, drunk at work (where there are taps) or at home.

At my work all water is Brita filtered and it's completely tasteless. Yet people pay a fortune to filter their water at home. We're just so damn rich we've lost all perspective, if you ask me.

The amount of water per head has fallen by two thirds in the last 30 or 40 years. And the rich world is using more than ever. The UN has been warning for years that the water table is dangerously low and we're doing precisely nothing about it.

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | TV and Radio | Peter Andre: Return of the six-pack

Sigh, sometimes you just have to accept the world is mad and move on.......

Must say congratulations to Peter Jackson for claiming 100% of his nominations for LOTR Return of the King. It was an achievement not only to get a film made and a script crafted from the books but also to assemble such a massive team that were all more than up to the job to assist him. And he sourced so many from tiny New Zealand. A great feat.

The trilogy is a masterwork and I already have the first two extended DVDs so I'll certainly get the third. Nothing like this will be made again for a very very long time.

A fascinating look at how the leftwing Mirror and the rightwing Sun newspapers cover the same story. In this case the publishing of some Columbine video evidence. This is the Mirror's take: Mirror.co.uk - THE COLUMBINE KILLERS' VIDEO and below is the rather shorter Sun version (I have to paste it as the site charges for archives):

"A SICKENING video showing Columbine High School killers Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold was released yesterday.

Shot for a school project shortly before the 1999 horror, it shows them as hitmen killing bullies.

(Caption under picture taken from video) Madman ... Harris pretends to kill pupil in video

Harris, 18, is seen shooting at pupils and wielding a gun. Klebold, 17, screams at the camera.

The pair shot dead 12 kids and a teacher before killing themselves.

The footage is part of an exhibition of evidence released by Colorado cops in the wake of cover-up claims."

Notice how the Mirror asks why society/law enforcement failed to get to these kids and find a way of stopping them going over the hill and becoming suicidal murderers whilst the Sun just spouts revulsion without any attempt at illuminating the reader to anything. It just carps on about how "mad" these kids were. The Mirror focusses on how the whole community stood by and these kids sink slowly into a state where their only instinct became Mayhem. Indeed, it is incredulous that this video was made in public and nothing was done. A reader of the Sun would just think "good riddance" to these kids, while a reader of the Mirror will think "how could no one have managed to connect with these kids and stop this tragedy?".

Which version strikes you as dealing with the story in the best way?

This story - I quit because the war against Iraq was illegal, says former government lawyer - is surely yet further proof of how shaky even the basic legal justification of the Iraq war really was. Quite frankly, I believe the Afghan war was illegal too. Did Afghanistan attack America?

Al Qaeda (if it was they) did not commit an act of war against the US as they are terrorists. They can only commit politically motivated criminal acts. The US wanted Bin Laden handed over. The Taleban wanted evidence before they did so (this is called extradition and is standard procedure around the world). The US refused to provide proof so the Taleban refused to send Bin Laden to America. So the US, with a few pals, invaded Afghanistan.

As Chomsky pointed out, this is a "do what we want or else we attack you" scenario. Or terrorism in any other vocabulary. The Taleban were evil, hateful religious thugs but the US government is not so it should not do hateful, thuggish things in the name of justice.

Afghanistan is still an expensive hell hole and Bin Laden is still free. Iraq was never a danger to anyone anymore, let alone the US and now is it a political source of much hatred in the Arab world and a pot into which every fanatic and Iraqi nationalist has poured its paramilitary resources. Both were sovereign countries who had never attacked the US militarily. Iraq had fought wars but never against democracies and in one of those two wars America helped it.

The irony is that the Gulf War was ostensibly about protecting Kuwait's sovereignty (because the dictator king was reinstalled after the war) and yet this second war completely breaks the rules about invading sovereign countries pre-emptively. The war was not about humanitarian reasons (Wolfowitz and Blair freely stated that) - certainly this alone is not enough in the perpetrators eyes to justify the war. It would make no sense if it was as Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Uzbekistan are allies (they have appalling human rights records). The war was not about WMD as there weren't any and many experts suspected that even if they did, they weren't particularly dangerous. Even those who said he was a "threat" really meant that he hated the west and wouls hurt them if he could. But he couldn't. Colin Powell said before 9/11 that his capability had not been restored. In fact, it turns out that Libya was much nearer to WMD than Iraq ever was post 1991.

My own theory about the crap western governments were fed about WMD was stuff they received from the Iraqi National Congress and the like who funnelled defectors and their testimonies to the CIA and British to encourage an invasion (after all, they wanted power). This seems to have worked really well. When a fired up Bush was advised by the CIA that this sort of uncorroborated "evidence" was at best not something to be termed as fact Bush didn't want to hear and kept repeating this drivel. Colin Powell, to the UN, said his presentation was based on hard and reliable intelligence. Apparently not.

The war was not about terrorism as Saddam had nothing to do with Al Qaeda.

So what are we left with? We're left with this: http://www.newamericancentury.org/iraqclintonletter.htm

So surprise surprise, the people shredder story looks as made up as the Kuwaiti baby incubator bag of crap in 1991. Guardian Unlimited | The Guardian | The missing people-shredder

Why won't people just stick to real events instead of making shit up like this? It really annoys the hell out of me.

I want this SAMSUNG CZ21A083N but I can't afford it. Boo hoo!

The Tories' laughable report on what should happen to the BBC is a quite desperate joke. Why do they want to make the entire broadcast industry worse??? ITV, Channel Four and any other generally sensible broadcaster are revolted by the plans ( outlined here ) which would mean the BBC sharing the advertising pot, radio virtually forgotten about and the government having to fund the BBC centrally. It makes no sense and seems to view quality as entirely incidental to the consideration of the BBC's future.

The Tory parliamentary party didn't exactly greet the report with open arms so I at least can feel relatively secure in the belief the plans will most likely never see the light of day in government.

This Passion of the Christ film is just an oddity. Why did Mel make it? Was it to get to heaven? Was it an ego trip? Why this tiny period in Jesus' life (as reported in the Bible - so let's not believe everything in there, please)? Why didn't he go the whole hog and do a trilogy or quintet of films to cover his whole life? What's the big deal about seeing a fella condemned to death by fear, politics and (theologically, at least) his own dad and then tortured in horrific ways for the best part of an hour?

I personally would doubt very much that it's anti-semitic. After all, that would mean it was anti-Jesus, who was a Jew, and anti-Mary, and anti-disciples and so on. Yes, the elders in the local Jewish church were culpable but they really only went for it for a bit of peace. It was a profoundly pragmatic decision not some work of devilry.

I'm an atheist and so this would be just a religiously charged film based on a false premise. Simple as that.

The is was the follow up sketch to the below MoD Kitchen. It's called MoD Whitewash (sadly, not performed - enormous competition amongst the writers to cover this) and was a reaction to the Hutton report - written on the same day of its publication. To use this in any form, contact me.

Geoff HOON walks on stage. He is carrying a bucket and a brush or roller.

HOON: [to the audience] Hello. I'm Geoff Hoon and welcome to another edition of DIY at the MoD. You may have seen my cookery programme showing you how messing about with MoD sources can really make you look a chump. Well today I'm going to discuss how to professionally whitewash. It's an activity the MoD has to do somewhere on an almost monthly basis. Gulf War syndrome, Deepcut and so on. To help me explain this process, I've brought along my friend and yours, Lord Hutton.

Lord HUTTON walks on stage with a friendly smile.

HOON: How are you, sir.

HUTTON: Fine, thanks.

HOON: Still got that lovely BMW?

HUTTON: Goes like the clappers, Geoff.

HOON: Good stuff. Now, what's the basic technique you use to whitewash?

HUTTON: Well, first of all you've got to work out what you want to cover in whitewash and just how much whitewash you'll need.

HOON: And in this case?

HUTTON: Enough to drown Russell Grant.

HOON: OK.

HUTTON: Then you take the part of the furniture that hurt the government, in this case the BBC, and you strip it back as far as you can. [Darkly]To the bone.

HUTTON has presented a painted chair as “the BBC” and demonstrates using sandpaper on it.

HUTTON: Then moving on to the grieving family settee. Ignore them. They're baige and so unfashionable you may as well just throw them out. Then, the intelligence services.

HUTTON is handed a rattle. He rattles it.

HUTTON: Aaahh. Cute isn't it. Yes, the intelligence services are just playthings so no real whitewash required. Anyway, it's not my brief. [Throws it away]

HOON: But what about the government's behavior?

HUTTON: Now your talking, Geoff. Pass me the bucket. [This is done] Now this whitewash is made with naivete, chronic disinterest and don't-rock-the-boat blind trust. It is as white as white can be.

HOON: Fantasic. What does it look like on?

HUTTON: Well, that's the problem. You get this whitewash, spend six long weeks applying it, covering, pasting, soaking the government and the MoD in particular in this gleaming, white solution. Then everyone stands back and looks at it...and it just looks like the mankiest bullshit!

(Cue genuine audience cheer! we hope.)

END.

This was performed by The Treason Show in Sept 2003. It's called MoD Kitchen and written primarily for the stage. Contact me to use this in any form.

V/O: Coming up on ITV6 a new series of Pets Who Swear but first here's another edition of Geoff Hoon's MoD Kitchen.

A table with a couple of bowls with some form of food in them and a jug or two. Geoff HOON comes on stage wearing a pinny and talks to the audience. As he gives his instructions in the speech he performs those actions. To be honest, I'm sure the sketch will work even with mimed food so the vessels are empty and the dialogue explains well enough what's supposed to be there.

HOON: Hello. I'm Geoff Hoon and welcome to Geoff Hoon's MoD Kitchen. Today I'm going to concentrate on sources and how they can transform what you've got on your plate from a well oiled ministry portfolio into something you wish you'd never started. My first dish is called Gilligan Stew. And what a stew it is! What you do is you take the meat of the story, in this case, that to the annoyance of intelligence services the British government beefed up dodgy evidence that Iraq was of any danger to us so we could go to war, and then mince it up until it's unrecognisable. Then you take a source, you choose whether it's an uncorroborated source or a combination of various anonymous sources - they're available to all reputable journalists - and you mix it into the meat of the story like so. You want to use a spoon to make absolutely sure you don't get your hands dirty. Now ensure you get lots of air in as you need plenty of holes in the story and you want the sources to, quite of their own accord, rise to the surface. If the source doesn't rise completely then you want to at least make certain that people can smell what the source is a mile away. If you're using a high quality source, however, make sure you tell everyone about it and then let it stew, either in its office for about 3 days or in front of a Select Commitee at about 40 degrees. Now it's very important, while you're preparing this dish to deny, even to yourself, that you're doing this. I'll just take this over here...

HOON carries a bowl with the mixture "in" it somewhere but he drops it on the floor.

HOON: Oh shit!

He calls someone quickly on a mobile phone.

HOON: Prime minister, Hoon here, I think you'd better get a judge to clear this mess up. And for god's sake, get him plenty of whitewash!

END.

This Sketch is called Bush, Blair and Short. It's my comment on the WMDs and the relationships involved (this was written before it became a universally acknowledged given that there were no WMDs out there). Contact to use this in any form.

Tony BLAIR, Claire SHORT and George BUSH are stranded in a dingy in the middle of the ocean. They are bedraggled and have clearly been at sea for some time.

SHORT: When are we going to find land? For god's sake!

BUSH: I have complete confidence we will find evidence of land soon.

BLAIR: [joining in a word or two after BUSH] ...complete confidence we will find evidence of land soon.

SHORT: Only last week you said we'd find land and now it's "evidence of land". Which is it?

BUSH: Fuck you! Fuck you! What does finding land have to do with it? Escaping that sinking wreck was something we had to do!

BLAIR: The fact we trained and armed those people with the torpedo is neither here nor there!

SHORT: But you'll still look rather silly if our corpses are eventually picked up hundreds of miles from land with seagulls muching on our eyeballs.

BLAIR: Alastair Campbell has gone off in his own boat to prove to us there's land near. When he doesn't come back, we'll know he's found land.

SHORT: Oh great! Well sod you two, I'll take my chances with the sharks.

Claire SHORT jumps out of the dingy into the water.

BLAIR: Who do you think you are? Jacques Chirac?

Pause.

BUSH: Alone at last.

BLAIR: Yes. Oh George!

BUSH: Oh Tony!

They are embracing passionately and sliding out of sight into the dingy. Romantic (possibly end of film James Bond style) music plays.

END

I wrote this during David Blaine's stunt over the Thames. Theatre format. Please contact me to use this in any form.

A REPORTER is on stage. A MAN is standing next to him. He has a flatcap. The MAN has a broad yorkshire accent and is very perky.

REPORTER: So the feat of endurance attempted by David Blaine has begun. He is surviving on water alone suspended 40 feet above the Thames for 44 days and 44 nights. I have with me the man responsible for disposing of Mr Blaine's urine. [to MAN] Good afternoon.

MAN: Hello. [waving to audience/camera]Hello, mum! Hello, Amos, Billy and the dog!

REPORTER: Thank you sir, could I ask you a few questions?

MAN: Without doubt, son. The more the merrier.

REPORTER: David Blaine's urine. How often is he relieving himself?

MAN: Well, as this whole thing is one huge, massive pisstake, he's producing an awful lot. Taking the piss out of the whole of Channel Four and these thousands of spectators. So, as you can imagine, he's building up quite a reservoir!

REPORTER: And his urine is going where?

MAN: Last I heard, Carling was interested in setting up an Export range of lager. So, with David's future schemes, there should be plenty of piss coming. David will keep taking the piss out of everyone and Becks will supply the country its own piss back to it. That's capitalism.

REPORTER: I see. And what background do you have to be entrusted with this role of transporting Mr Blaine's pi - urine?

MAN: I used to breed the cats that supplied Babycham.

END.

Quite a topical sketch about...well read it. Again, contact me if you want to use it in any form. Written late last year, in fact. It's called God's Last Resort.

WOODY Allen is pacing around the stage. He is God. He must look in some way like God.

WOODY: Oh I don't believe this I, I can't seem to get the earth to grasp that I'm the one true God and, you know, that I, I, I created everything in the universe. It's so embarrassing how I-I'm just dismissed out of hand by everyone I try to contact..I'm like a, like a social pariah but the irony is I created the society I'm a pariah of! That's mysterious ways for ya, I guess...Ah, this can't go on, it's affecting my work. I'm getting headaches every Tuesday afternoon, I'm allowing Republicans to win presidential elections...I'm just not on form. I've gotta do something. I need a way to reach people. Come on, think, think! I must be able to come up with fabulous ideas, I made Cameron Diaz for Chrissakes. [pause] I know! I've got it! I'll get Mel Gibson to make a film about the last 12 hours of Christ's life and I'll get him to have the dialogue entirely in dead languages! Oh yes, thats the best idea I've had since Fame Academy!

END

OK, first script. This is a sketch I quite like. It's called Brain Food and was completed last year with stage performance in mind (although TV would work just as well). If you happen to be in a position to use this in any medium then please email me for permission.

An operating theatre. SURGEON and team are working on somebody’s head. The patient has a green sheet over his head. Tense/melodramatic music.

SURGEON: OK, so I think if we push that over there. Careful, now.

He removes a chunk of brain.

NURSE: Sir, is that not important?

SURGEON: Well yes, but only if you use it. It just controls his inhibitions. I’ve never seen him make any use of it….Now, just swab him a bit please. Right, time to go after what we're really looking for….Now if I just part it here…and slice here.

Music stops. SURGEON produces a penis from the head cavity.

SURGEON: Right! That’s got it. O.K. you can tell Miss Finnigan that Mr Madeley can go home tomorrow.

END

Well waddayaknow. I have started a blog!

I'm a writer with, so far, pitiful achievement. The one real bit of success is writing for the Treason Show, a monthly satirical comedy stage show. It normally plays in Brighton but has seen the bright lights of Edinburgh festivals too. This is the website (though, as I write, it's being updated) http://www.treasonshow.com.

So I'll use this blog for thoughts (mainly anti-Bush, but many other areas too) and for storing most of my writings - past and present - to give them a further outlet for you naughty internet users.

I'm British, liberal (in general) and 28 years old. I really want as much feedback from what I put up as possible.

If you're interested in any articles or scripts I put up (I do plays, radio scripts, TV scripts and poems) then by all means contact me by using the comment link below to get my personal details and obtain permission to use.

As Schoolboy, I also write in anada.net (an ezine) but many articles are getting toward 4 years old and I post in Digital Spy (www.digitalspy.co.uk) and America's Debate forums. As Schooly, I post in suite101.com Atheism forums (occasionally, it gets a bit hardcore sometimes :-))

Cheers,
Schoolboy