So surprise surprise, the people shredder story looks as made up as the Kuwaiti baby incubator bag of crap in 1991. Guardian Unlimited | The Guardian | The missing people-shredder
Why won't people just stick to real events instead of making shit up like this? It really annoys the hell out of me.
Saturday, February 28, 2004
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
The Tories' laughable report on what should happen to the BBC is a quite desperate joke. Why do they want to make the entire broadcast industry worse??? ITV, Channel Four and any other generally sensible broadcaster are revolted by the plans ( outlined here ) which would mean the BBC sharing the advertising pot, radio virtually forgotten about and the government having to fund the BBC centrally. It makes no sense and seems to view quality as entirely incidental to the consideration of the BBC's future.
The Tory parliamentary party didn't exactly greet the report with open arms so I at least can feel relatively secure in the belief the plans will most likely never see the light of day in government.
This Passion of the Christ film is just an oddity. Why did Mel make it? Was it to get to heaven? Was it an ego trip? Why this tiny period in Jesus' life (as reported in the Bible - so let's not believe everything in there, please)? Why didn't he go the whole hog and do a trilogy or quintet of films to cover his whole life? What's the big deal about seeing a fella condemned to death by fear, politics and (theologically, at least) his own dad and then tortured in horrific ways for the best part of an hour?
I personally would doubt very much that it's anti-semitic. After all, that would mean it was anti-Jesus, who was a Jew, and anti-Mary, and anti-disciples and so on. Yes, the elders in the local Jewish church were culpable but they really only went for it for a bit of peace. It was a profoundly pragmatic decision not some work of devilry.
I'm an atheist and so this would be just a religiously charged film based on a false premise. Simple as that.
The Tory parliamentary party didn't exactly greet the report with open arms so I at least can feel relatively secure in the belief the plans will most likely never see the light of day in government.
This Passion of the Christ film is just an oddity. Why did Mel make it? Was it to get to heaven? Was it an ego trip? Why this tiny period in Jesus' life (as reported in the Bible - so let's not believe everything in there, please)? Why didn't he go the whole hog and do a trilogy or quintet of films to cover his whole life? What's the big deal about seeing a fella condemned to death by fear, politics and (theologically, at least) his own dad and then tortured in horrific ways for the best part of an hour?
I personally would doubt very much that it's anti-semitic. After all, that would mean it was anti-Jesus, who was a Jew, and anti-Mary, and anti-disciples and so on. Yes, the elders in the local Jewish church were culpable but they really only went for it for a bit of peace. It was a profoundly pragmatic decision not some work of devilry.
I'm an atheist and so this would be just a religiously charged film based on a false premise. Simple as that.
The is was the follow up sketch to the below MoD Kitchen. It's called MoD Whitewash (sadly, not performed - enormous competition amongst the writers to cover this) and was a reaction to the Hutton report - written on the same day of its publication. To use this in any form, contact me.
Geoff HOON walks on stage. He is carrying a bucket and a brush or roller.
HOON: [to the audience] Hello. I'm Geoff Hoon and welcome to another edition of DIY at the MoD. You may have seen my cookery programme showing you how messing about with MoD sources can really make you look a chump. Well today I'm going to discuss how to professionally whitewash. It's an activity the MoD has to do somewhere on an almost monthly basis. Gulf War syndrome, Deepcut and so on. To help me explain this process, I've brought along my friend and yours, Lord Hutton.
Lord HUTTON walks on stage with a friendly smile.
HOON: How are you, sir.
HUTTON: Fine, thanks.
HOON: Still got that lovely BMW?
HUTTON: Goes like the clappers, Geoff.
HOON: Good stuff. Now, what's the basic technique you use to whitewash?
HUTTON: Well, first of all you've got to work out what you want to cover in whitewash and just how much whitewash you'll need.
HOON: And in this case?
HUTTON: Enough to drown Russell Grant.
HOON: OK.
HUTTON: Then you take the part of the furniture that hurt the government, in this case the BBC, and you strip it back as far as you can. [Darkly]To the bone.
HUTTON has presented a painted chair as “the BBC” and demonstrates using sandpaper on it.
HUTTON: Then moving on to the grieving family settee. Ignore them. They're baige and so unfashionable you may as well just throw them out. Then, the intelligence services.
HUTTON is handed a rattle. He rattles it.
HUTTON: Aaahh. Cute isn't it. Yes, the intelligence services are just playthings so no real whitewash required. Anyway, it's not my brief. [Throws it away]
HOON: But what about the government's behavior?
HUTTON: Now your talking, Geoff. Pass me the bucket. [This is done] Now this whitewash is made with naivete, chronic disinterest and don't-rock-the-boat blind trust. It is as white as white can be.
HOON: Fantasic. What does it look like on?
HUTTON: Well, that's the problem. You get this whitewash, spend six long weeks applying it, covering, pasting, soaking the government and the MoD in particular in this gleaming, white solution. Then everyone stands back and looks at it...and it just looks like the mankiest bullshit!
(Cue genuine audience cheer! we hope.)
END.
Geoff HOON walks on stage. He is carrying a bucket and a brush or roller.
HOON: [to the audience] Hello. I'm Geoff Hoon and welcome to another edition of DIY at the MoD. You may have seen my cookery programme showing you how messing about with MoD sources can really make you look a chump. Well today I'm going to discuss how to professionally whitewash. It's an activity the MoD has to do somewhere on an almost monthly basis. Gulf War syndrome, Deepcut and so on. To help me explain this process, I've brought along my friend and yours, Lord Hutton.
Lord HUTTON walks on stage with a friendly smile.
HOON: How are you, sir.
HUTTON: Fine, thanks.
HOON: Still got that lovely BMW?
HUTTON: Goes like the clappers, Geoff.
HOON: Good stuff. Now, what's the basic technique you use to whitewash?
HUTTON: Well, first of all you've got to work out what you want to cover in whitewash and just how much whitewash you'll need.
HOON: And in this case?
HUTTON: Enough to drown Russell Grant.
HOON: OK.
HUTTON: Then you take the part of the furniture that hurt the government, in this case the BBC, and you strip it back as far as you can. [Darkly]To the bone.
HUTTON has presented a painted chair as “the BBC” and demonstrates using sandpaper on it.
HUTTON: Then moving on to the grieving family settee. Ignore them. They're baige and so unfashionable you may as well just throw them out. Then, the intelligence services.
HUTTON is handed a rattle. He rattles it.
HUTTON: Aaahh. Cute isn't it. Yes, the intelligence services are just playthings so no real whitewash required. Anyway, it's not my brief. [Throws it away]
HOON: But what about the government's behavior?
HUTTON: Now your talking, Geoff. Pass me the bucket. [This is done] Now this whitewash is made with naivete, chronic disinterest and don't-rock-the-boat blind trust. It is as white as white can be.
HOON: Fantasic. What does it look like on?
HUTTON: Well, that's the problem. You get this whitewash, spend six long weeks applying it, covering, pasting, soaking the government and the MoD in particular in this gleaming, white solution. Then everyone stands back and looks at it...and it just looks like the mankiest bullshit!
(Cue genuine audience cheer! we hope.)
END.
This was performed by The Treason Show in Sept 2003. It's called MoD Kitchen and written primarily for the stage. Contact me to use this in any form.
V/O: Coming up on ITV6 a new series of Pets Who Swear but first here's another edition of Geoff Hoon's MoD Kitchen.
A table with a couple of bowls with some form of food in them and a jug or two. Geoff HOON comes on stage wearing a pinny and talks to the audience. As he gives his instructions in the speech he performs those actions. To be honest, I'm sure the sketch will work even with mimed food so the vessels are empty and the dialogue explains well enough what's supposed to be there.
HOON: Hello. I'm Geoff Hoon and welcome to Geoff Hoon's MoD Kitchen. Today I'm going to concentrate on sources and how they can transform what you've got on your plate from a well oiled ministry portfolio into something you wish you'd never started. My first dish is called Gilligan Stew. And what a stew it is! What you do is you take the meat of the story, in this case, that to the annoyance of intelligence services the British government beefed up dodgy evidence that Iraq was of any danger to us so we could go to war, and then mince it up until it's unrecognisable. Then you take a source, you choose whether it's an uncorroborated source or a combination of various anonymous sources - they're available to all reputable journalists - and you mix it into the meat of the story like so. You want to use a spoon to make absolutely sure you don't get your hands dirty. Now ensure you get lots of air in as you need plenty of holes in the story and you want the sources to, quite of their own accord, rise to the surface. If the source doesn't rise completely then you want to at least make certain that people can smell what the source is a mile away. If you're using a high quality source, however, make sure you tell everyone about it and then let it stew, either in its office for about 3 days or in front of a Select Commitee at about 40 degrees. Now it's very important, while you're preparing this dish to deny, even to yourself, that you're doing this. I'll just take this over here...
HOON carries a bowl with the mixture "in" it somewhere but he drops it on the floor.
HOON: Oh shit!
He calls someone quickly on a mobile phone.
HOON: Prime minister, Hoon here, I think you'd better get a judge to clear this mess up. And for god's sake, get him plenty of whitewash!
END.
V/O: Coming up on ITV6 a new series of Pets Who Swear but first here's another edition of Geoff Hoon's MoD Kitchen.
A table with a couple of bowls with some form of food in them and a jug or two. Geoff HOON comes on stage wearing a pinny and talks to the audience. As he gives his instructions in the speech he performs those actions. To be honest, I'm sure the sketch will work even with mimed food so the vessels are empty and the dialogue explains well enough what's supposed to be there.
HOON: Hello. I'm Geoff Hoon and welcome to Geoff Hoon's MoD Kitchen. Today I'm going to concentrate on sources and how they can transform what you've got on your plate from a well oiled ministry portfolio into something you wish you'd never started. My first dish is called Gilligan Stew. And what a stew it is! What you do is you take the meat of the story, in this case, that to the annoyance of intelligence services the British government beefed up dodgy evidence that Iraq was of any danger to us so we could go to war, and then mince it up until it's unrecognisable. Then you take a source, you choose whether it's an uncorroborated source or a combination of various anonymous sources - they're available to all reputable journalists - and you mix it into the meat of the story like so. You want to use a spoon to make absolutely sure you don't get your hands dirty. Now ensure you get lots of air in as you need plenty of holes in the story and you want the sources to, quite of their own accord, rise to the surface. If the source doesn't rise completely then you want to at least make certain that people can smell what the source is a mile away. If you're using a high quality source, however, make sure you tell everyone about it and then let it stew, either in its office for about 3 days or in front of a Select Commitee at about 40 degrees. Now it's very important, while you're preparing this dish to deny, even to yourself, that you're doing this. I'll just take this over here...
HOON carries a bowl with the mixture "in" it somewhere but he drops it on the floor.
HOON: Oh shit!
He calls someone quickly on a mobile phone.
HOON: Prime minister, Hoon here, I think you'd better get a judge to clear this mess up. And for god's sake, get him plenty of whitewash!
END.
This Sketch is called Bush, Blair and Short. It's my comment on the WMDs and the relationships involved (this was written before it became a universally acknowledged given that there were no WMDs out there). Contact to use this in any form.
Tony BLAIR, Claire SHORT and George BUSH are stranded in a dingy in the middle of the ocean. They are bedraggled and have clearly been at sea for some time.
SHORT: When are we going to find land? For god's sake!
BUSH: I have complete confidence we will find evidence of land soon.
BLAIR: [joining in a word or two after BUSH] ...complete confidence we will find evidence of land soon.
SHORT: Only last week you said we'd find land and now it's "evidence of land". Which is it?
BUSH: Fuck you! Fuck you! What does finding land have to do with it? Escaping that sinking wreck was something we had to do!
BLAIR: The fact we trained and armed those people with the torpedo is neither here nor there!
SHORT: But you'll still look rather silly if our corpses are eventually picked up hundreds of miles from land with seagulls muching on our eyeballs.
BLAIR: Alastair Campbell has gone off in his own boat to prove to us there's land near. When he doesn't come back, we'll know he's found land.
SHORT: Oh great! Well sod you two, I'll take my chances with the sharks.
Claire SHORT jumps out of the dingy into the water.
BLAIR: Who do you think you are? Jacques Chirac?
Pause.
BUSH: Alone at last.
BLAIR: Yes. Oh George!
BUSH: Oh Tony!
They are embracing passionately and sliding out of sight into the dingy. Romantic (possibly end of film James Bond style) music plays.
END
Tony BLAIR, Claire SHORT and George BUSH are stranded in a dingy in the middle of the ocean. They are bedraggled and have clearly been at sea for some time.
SHORT: When are we going to find land? For god's sake!
BUSH: I have complete confidence we will find evidence of land soon.
BLAIR: [joining in a word or two after BUSH] ...complete confidence we will find evidence of land soon.
SHORT: Only last week you said we'd find land and now it's "evidence of land". Which is it?
BUSH: Fuck you! Fuck you! What does finding land have to do with it? Escaping that sinking wreck was something we had to do!
BLAIR: The fact we trained and armed those people with the torpedo is neither here nor there!
SHORT: But you'll still look rather silly if our corpses are eventually picked up hundreds of miles from land with seagulls muching on our eyeballs.
BLAIR: Alastair Campbell has gone off in his own boat to prove to us there's land near. When he doesn't come back, we'll know he's found land.
SHORT: Oh great! Well sod you two, I'll take my chances with the sharks.
Claire SHORT jumps out of the dingy into the water.
BLAIR: Who do you think you are? Jacques Chirac?
Pause.
BUSH: Alone at last.
BLAIR: Yes. Oh George!
BUSH: Oh Tony!
They are embracing passionately and sliding out of sight into the dingy. Romantic (possibly end of film James Bond style) music plays.
END
I wrote this during David Blaine's stunt over the Thames. Theatre format. Please contact me to use this in any form.
A REPORTER is on stage. A MAN is standing next to him. He has a flatcap. The MAN has a broad yorkshire accent and is very perky.
REPORTER: So the feat of endurance attempted by David Blaine has begun. He is surviving on water alone suspended 40 feet above the Thames for 44 days and 44 nights. I have with me the man responsible for disposing of Mr Blaine's urine. [to MAN] Good afternoon.
MAN: Hello. [waving to audience/camera]Hello, mum! Hello, Amos, Billy and the dog!
REPORTER: Thank you sir, could I ask you a few questions?
MAN: Without doubt, son. The more the merrier.
REPORTER: David Blaine's urine. How often is he relieving himself?
MAN: Well, as this whole thing is one huge, massive pisstake, he's producing an awful lot. Taking the piss out of the whole of Channel Four and these thousands of spectators. So, as you can imagine, he's building up quite a reservoir!
REPORTER: And his urine is going where?
MAN: Last I heard, Carling was interested in setting up an Export range of lager. So, with David's future schemes, there should be plenty of piss coming. David will keep taking the piss out of everyone and Becks will supply the country its own piss back to it. That's capitalism.
REPORTER: I see. And what background do you have to be entrusted with this role of transporting Mr Blaine's pi - urine?
MAN: I used to breed the cats that supplied Babycham.
END.
A REPORTER is on stage. A MAN is standing next to him. He has a flatcap. The MAN has a broad yorkshire accent and is very perky.
REPORTER: So the feat of endurance attempted by David Blaine has begun. He is surviving on water alone suspended 40 feet above the Thames for 44 days and 44 nights. I have with me the man responsible for disposing of Mr Blaine's urine. [to MAN] Good afternoon.
MAN: Hello. [waving to audience/camera]Hello, mum! Hello, Amos, Billy and the dog!
REPORTER: Thank you sir, could I ask you a few questions?
MAN: Without doubt, son. The more the merrier.
REPORTER: David Blaine's urine. How often is he relieving himself?
MAN: Well, as this whole thing is one huge, massive pisstake, he's producing an awful lot. Taking the piss out of the whole of Channel Four and these thousands of spectators. So, as you can imagine, he's building up quite a reservoir!
REPORTER: And his urine is going where?
MAN: Last I heard, Carling was interested in setting up an Export range of lager. So, with David's future schemes, there should be plenty of piss coming. David will keep taking the piss out of everyone and Becks will supply the country its own piss back to it. That's capitalism.
REPORTER: I see. And what background do you have to be entrusted with this role of transporting Mr Blaine's pi - urine?
MAN: I used to breed the cats that supplied Babycham.
END.
Quite a topical sketch about...well read it. Again, contact me if you want to use it in any form. Written late last year, in fact. It's called God's Last Resort.
WOODY Allen is pacing around the stage. He is God. He must look in some way like God.
WOODY: Oh I don't believe this I, I can't seem to get the earth to grasp that I'm the one true God and, you know, that I, I, I created everything in the universe. It's so embarrassing how I-I'm just dismissed out of hand by everyone I try to contact..I'm like a, like a social pariah but the irony is I created the society I'm a pariah of! That's mysterious ways for ya, I guess...Ah, this can't go on, it's affecting my work. I'm getting headaches every Tuesday afternoon, I'm allowing Republicans to win presidential elections...I'm just not on form. I've gotta do something. I need a way to reach people. Come on, think, think! I must be able to come up with fabulous ideas, I made Cameron Diaz for Chrissakes. [pause] I know! I've got it! I'll get Mel Gibson to make a film about the last 12 hours of Christ's life and I'll get him to have the dialogue entirely in dead languages! Oh yes, thats the best idea I've had since Fame Academy!
END
WOODY Allen is pacing around the stage. He is God. He must look in some way like God.
WOODY: Oh I don't believe this I, I can't seem to get the earth to grasp that I'm the one true God and, you know, that I, I, I created everything in the universe. It's so embarrassing how I-I'm just dismissed out of hand by everyone I try to contact..I'm like a, like a social pariah but the irony is I created the society I'm a pariah of! That's mysterious ways for ya, I guess...Ah, this can't go on, it's affecting my work. I'm getting headaches every Tuesday afternoon, I'm allowing Republicans to win presidential elections...I'm just not on form. I've gotta do something. I need a way to reach people. Come on, think, think! I must be able to come up with fabulous ideas, I made Cameron Diaz for Chrissakes. [pause] I know! I've got it! I'll get Mel Gibson to make a film about the last 12 hours of Christ's life and I'll get him to have the dialogue entirely in dead languages! Oh yes, thats the best idea I've had since Fame Academy!
END
OK, first script. This is a sketch I quite like. It's called Brain Food and was completed last year with stage performance in mind (although TV would work just as well). If you happen to be in a position to use this in any medium then please email me for permission.
An operating theatre. SURGEON and team are working on somebody’s head. The patient has a green sheet over his head. Tense/melodramatic music.
SURGEON: OK, so I think if we push that over there. Careful, now.
He removes a chunk of brain.
NURSE: Sir, is that not important?
SURGEON: Well yes, but only if you use it. It just controls his inhibitions. I’ve never seen him make any use of it….Now, just swab him a bit please. Right, time to go after what we're really looking for….Now if I just part it here…and slice here.
Music stops. SURGEON produces a penis from the head cavity.
SURGEON: Right! That’s got it. O.K. you can tell Miss Finnigan that Mr Madeley can go home tomorrow.
END
An operating theatre. SURGEON and team are working on somebody’s head. The patient has a green sheet over his head. Tense/melodramatic music.
SURGEON: OK, so I think if we push that over there. Careful, now.
He removes a chunk of brain.
NURSE: Sir, is that not important?
SURGEON: Well yes, but only if you use it. It just controls his inhibitions. I’ve never seen him make any use of it….Now, just swab him a bit please. Right, time to go after what we're really looking for….Now if I just part it here…and slice here.
Music stops. SURGEON produces a penis from the head cavity.
SURGEON: Right! That’s got it. O.K. you can tell Miss Finnigan that Mr Madeley can go home tomorrow.
END
Well waddayaknow. I have started a blog!
I'm a writer with, so far, pitiful achievement. The one real bit of success is writing for the Treason Show, a monthly satirical comedy stage show. It normally plays in Brighton but has seen the bright lights of Edinburgh festivals too. This is the website (though, as I write, it's being updated) http://www.treasonshow.com.
So I'll use this blog for thoughts (mainly anti-Bush, but many other areas too) and for storing most of my writings - past and present - to give them a further outlet for you naughty internet users.
I'm British, liberal (in general) and 28 years old. I really want as much feedback from what I put up as possible.
If you're interested in any articles or scripts I put up (I do plays, radio scripts, TV scripts and poems) then by all means contact me by using the comment link below to get my personal details and obtain permission to use.
As Schoolboy, I also write in anada.net (an ezine) but many articles are getting toward 4 years old and I post in Digital Spy (www.digitalspy.co.uk) and America's Debate forums. As Schooly, I post in suite101.com Atheism forums (occasionally, it gets a bit hardcore sometimes :-))
Cheers,
Schoolboy
I'm a writer with, so far, pitiful achievement. The one real bit of success is writing for the Treason Show, a monthly satirical comedy stage show. It normally plays in Brighton but has seen the bright lights of Edinburgh festivals too. This is the website (though, as I write, it's being updated) http://www.treasonshow.com.
So I'll use this blog for thoughts (mainly anti-Bush, but many other areas too) and for storing most of my writings - past and present - to give them a further outlet for you naughty internet users.
I'm British, liberal (in general) and 28 years old. I really want as much feedback from what I put up as possible.
If you're interested in any articles or scripts I put up (I do plays, radio scripts, TV scripts and poems) then by all means contact me by using the comment link below to get my personal details and obtain permission to use.
As Schoolboy, I also write in anada.net (an ezine) but many articles are getting toward 4 years old and I post in Digital Spy (www.digitalspy.co.uk) and America's Debate forums. As Schooly, I post in suite101.com Atheism forums (occasionally, it gets a bit hardcore sometimes :-))
Cheers,
Schoolboy
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