This was performed by The Treason Show in Sept 2003. It's called MoD Kitchen and written primarily for the stage. Contact me to use this in any form.

V/O: Coming up on ITV6 a new series of Pets Who Swear but first here's another edition of Geoff Hoon's MoD Kitchen.

A table with a couple of bowls with some form of food in them and a jug or two. Geoff HOON comes on stage wearing a pinny and talks to the audience. As he gives his instructions in the speech he performs those actions. To be honest, I'm sure the sketch will work even with mimed food so the vessels are empty and the dialogue explains well enough what's supposed to be there.

HOON: Hello. I'm Geoff Hoon and welcome to Geoff Hoon's MoD Kitchen. Today I'm going to concentrate on sources and how they can transform what you've got on your plate from a well oiled ministry portfolio into something you wish you'd never started. My first dish is called Gilligan Stew. And what a stew it is! What you do is you take the meat of the story, in this case, that to the annoyance of intelligence services the British government beefed up dodgy evidence that Iraq was of any danger to us so we could go to war, and then mince it up until it's unrecognisable. Then you take a source, you choose whether it's an uncorroborated source or a combination of various anonymous sources - they're available to all reputable journalists - and you mix it into the meat of the story like so. You want to use a spoon to make absolutely sure you don't get your hands dirty. Now ensure you get lots of air in as you need plenty of holes in the story and you want the sources to, quite of their own accord, rise to the surface. If the source doesn't rise completely then you want to at least make certain that people can smell what the source is a mile away. If you're using a high quality source, however, make sure you tell everyone about it and then let it stew, either in its office for about 3 days or in front of a Select Commitee at about 40 degrees. Now it's very important, while you're preparing this dish to deny, even to yourself, that you're doing this. I'll just take this over here...

HOON carries a bowl with the mixture "in" it somewhere but he drops it on the floor.

HOON: Oh shit!

He calls someone quickly on a mobile phone.

HOON: Prime minister, Hoon here, I think you'd better get a judge to clear this mess up. And for god's sake, get him plenty of whitewash!

END.