The is was the follow up sketch to the below MoD Kitchen. It's called MoD Whitewash (sadly, not performed - enormous competition amongst the writers to cover this) and was a reaction to the Hutton report - written on the same day of its publication. To use this in any form, contact me.

Geoff HOON walks on stage. He is carrying a bucket and a brush or roller.

HOON: [to the audience] Hello. I'm Geoff Hoon and welcome to another edition of DIY at the MoD. You may have seen my cookery programme showing you how messing about with MoD sources can really make you look a chump. Well today I'm going to discuss how to professionally whitewash. It's an activity the MoD has to do somewhere on an almost monthly basis. Gulf War syndrome, Deepcut and so on. To help me explain this process, I've brought along my friend and yours, Lord Hutton.

Lord HUTTON walks on stage with a friendly smile.

HOON: How are you, sir.

HUTTON: Fine, thanks.

HOON: Still got that lovely BMW?

HUTTON: Goes like the clappers, Geoff.

HOON: Good stuff. Now, what's the basic technique you use to whitewash?

HUTTON: Well, first of all you've got to work out what you want to cover in whitewash and just how much whitewash you'll need.

HOON: And in this case?

HUTTON: Enough to drown Russell Grant.

HOON: OK.

HUTTON: Then you take the part of the furniture that hurt the government, in this case the BBC, and you strip it back as far as you can. [Darkly]To the bone.

HUTTON has presented a painted chair as “the BBC” and demonstrates using sandpaper on it.

HUTTON: Then moving on to the grieving family settee. Ignore them. They're baige and so unfashionable you may as well just throw them out. Then, the intelligence services.

HUTTON is handed a rattle. He rattles it.

HUTTON: Aaahh. Cute isn't it. Yes, the intelligence services are just playthings so no real whitewash required. Anyway, it's not my brief. [Throws it away]

HOON: But what about the government's behavior?

HUTTON: Now your talking, Geoff. Pass me the bucket. [This is done] Now this whitewash is made with naivete, chronic disinterest and don't-rock-the-boat blind trust. It is as white as white can be.

HOON: Fantasic. What does it look like on?

HUTTON: Well, that's the problem. You get this whitewash, spend six long weeks applying it, covering, pasting, soaking the government and the MoD in particular in this gleaming, white solution. Then everyone stands back and looks at it...and it just looks like the mankiest bullshit!

(Cue genuine audience cheer! we hope.)

END.